The Three Anxieties



My anxiety is made up of a left and a right bracket, too often containing a blunder. On the left, stimuli is coming in faster than my mind can process or on the right, slower than boredom can endure. I often jump off a fast moving train, only because of the speed of information rushing past my window … and then speed up to leap onto a train … any train, just because it is moving and I was not ... now flashing, with increasing speed, more and more facts past my window to the point of anxiety again. If however I demanded that accuracy, and accuracy alone, determined my speed, my starts and stops, I would also at times have to endure that anxiety of going against my “nature” … or at other times, wondering whether or not I was merely seduced by a necessary stage of compatibility. The priority of my conclusion would exist at crucial moments, with its deep but quickly forgotten roots, as a straw of memory bending in the wind. This fear of leaving a solid deduction behind is compounded by the long history of having done so, again, and again.

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